Current Mood (Stare into the abyss)

That didn't last long. I can't avoid my despair, I can't avoid the music, I can't avoid the videos of cats seeing their old dead owners. I'm just an emotional mess, I don't deal well with being away from my family. I need to confront my depression and harness it, make it serve me. It represents what I don't want.

I have to though, for now, so we can build what's to come. I can't appear depressed, my wife and kids need me to be strong, they need me to smile, they need to know a better future is coming and that I can see it. They need that hope, something only I can give them.

I'm still trying to convince myself, but I'm not lost yet. I'm building a road map to show my wife so that she sees what I want to see, what we want to see I should say.

To Do:
Immediate
- Put in for POD shirt samples as we are able
- Thoroughly investigate drop shipping providers
- Establish an effective ad stream across multiple platforms as feasible (fb, insta, tumblr, twitter)
- Finish a story outline ASAP
     --> Begin work on a story immediately afterwards, quality is less important, just start
- Finish commission work, finish 3rd cat, begin work on new assets
- Look at structure for building Shopify website, GOAL: 2 sites by the end of November
     --> Sift through and determine the best drop shipping web sites for different products
- Begin determining which stocks are prime for investment over short, mid and long term

Post Job Acquisition
- Continue writing as able
- Continue asset completion as able
- Pay off credit cards / phones / ipads (CC+)
     --> while building the Emergency Fund (~$5k)
     ---> in the midst of this, gauge the job and determine if moving is in order
- Emergency Fund Completed
     --> this should happen before the above has been paid off
     ---> by this point, moving or not should be apparent and the money from the EF will be redirected
            to the Moving Fund ($5k?)
          --> Begin exploring options for housing and school for the children
          ---> Begin building a Moving Plan (cost of breaking agreement, which items willbe disposed
                 of and which will be brought, time frame, etc)
- Moving Fund Completed
     --> This can be completed before CC+
     ---> Begin enacting Moving Plan
     ----> Moving Fund income diverted to CC+
- CC+ Completed
     --> All CC+ income to be diverted to Investment Fund

5 Year Goal
- $250k smartly invested in the stock market to support both present and future goals (this does not
  necesarilly include reinvesting dividends)
- Begin actively seeking property in the Lake Tahoe area of Nevada
- Have at least 1 book published
- Consider opening another POD store involving more nature based themes

10 Year Goal
- Open a dog sled tour business on the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe.
     --> Active Support: multiple POD online stores, active stock investment of at least $500k, book
           sales

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That's doable, right?

And just like that...

I am reminded that I need to be careful about what music to listen to. I need to keep my chin up and stay as positive as I can, it's just so hard when I'm away from my family.

My parents took my wife and kids out for donuts and I could hardly look at the pictures on Facebook. I got that weird feeling you get when you see a picture of an ex and they look happy and you aren't. I know it's not like that, I just don't deal well with being away.

That's the whole thing though, right? I need to be away for a bit so I can return with everything we need for the rest of our lives. No one is going to hand it to you, even though it feels like that sometimes. I just pray for guidance and go where I feel God is leading me.

The only way my wife gets to do art is if I support us, the only way my children get what they need is if I work hard, and that's all I need to know in order to keep moving forward. Years upon years. Maybe one day the dream will be realized, but for now I have to focus on laying that groundwork. That's what's important.

Somewhere Old (New Timeline)

My eyes opened from an odd dream, blinking once or twice. The room looked strange, this wasn't home. My back hurts and this is a couch.

It took a moment but I collected myself, remembering the 12+ hour drive yesterday to get here, Phoenix, AZ. Chandler? Do people know the difference if they aren't from here? I didn't know that Sparks, NV existed until I lived in Reno. I looked at my phone, it said 7:59. Well, at least I got a few hours of sleep. Even though I got here at 1am, my buddy that I am staying with works nights and we stayed up until 3am catching up.

Speaking of, I guess I woke him up when I went to the bathroom.

"What time is it? ... Oh, you should probably head out, they do call outs between 9-9:15."

Off and running then.

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I guess I enjoy driving well enough, it can be relaxing. The only time I can really listen to my music the way I like to, loud. I like to roll the windows down and let it blare so I can't hear how off pitch I am.  If I'm honest though, it's not my favorite way of driving anymore. I prefer the chatter of my children in the back of the van while my wife and I discuss art and the future with each other up front.

The car was silent as I climbed in and closed the door. I made sure to turn the music up extra loud today so I didn't have to hear the silence.

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Welp, I missed call-outs today. I wasn't really expecting to head to work today, but it would have been nice, not gonna lie. I'll be back Monday though, and every day after that until I go to work. I dramatically looked up towards the sun, using my arm to block the direct light as I wondered what the point of it all was... No, not really, I just wondered how I had forgotten how hot it could be here. I used to joke about how the hot tubs were always cooler than the pool because the temp was regulated in them and the pool just sat in the sun. Guess I was being serious.

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The drive back to my friend's place where I was crashing felt odd. I'd been her in Phoenix/Tempe over 10 years ago for college (it did not go well but that's a different story). The signs looked familiar, the street names and even some of the malls I drove by. That was all in the past though, a child experienced all of that and made the decisions a child would have. I owned all of them, but it isn't who I am now. I can drive on the freeway for one.

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Sometime in the afternoon my wife calls me, letting me know that there was a drunk this morning at the kid's bus stop and some teenagers brawling at it in the afternoon. Perfect, one more thing to work on. "Maybe we should all just live on the street, at least then I would be home." My wife laughs halfheartedly because we both know that's not the answer. We tell each other "I love you" as she goes off to attend to screaming children in the background.

 I can't wait for this to be over.